


Staying Awake to Chase a Dream

by bokeiji



Category: Formula E RPF
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, It will probably rip your heart out like it did with mine, Letters, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-03
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2019-08-17 01:14:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16506428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bokeiji/pseuds/bokeiji
Summary: Jean-Éric finds a suitable way to convey his feelings to André.





	Staying Awake to Chase a Dream

**Author's Note:**

> I think I almost made myself cry a few times just by writing this. It might have had something to do with the fact that I was listening to sad piano music while writing it. I guess I would also recommend you listening to any type of sad music while reading this to get the full experience.
> 
> Title inspired by the song Falling Away with You by Muse

To my dearest André, _mon amour_ ,

 

It’s hard to believe that it’s already been six months since the last time you held me in your arms. These past months must have been the hardest ones I’ve ever experienced in my life. So much harder than my time in Formula 1 and so much harder than the last time my heart was broken.

Remember when you promised me you would be the one who would never hurt me? Who would always make me feel safe and loved? Who would always make me happy? Turns out you’re just a big fat liar. 

No matter how much I would love to hate you for breaking your promises, I know I will never be able to. I wish you were here so I could scream at you for making feel this way. Instead, I think I’ve probably completely draught myself of tears countless times. 

You should know that I’ve broken my promises too. I promised you I would never fall back to my old habits, but I guess hurting so much does weird things to you. Most days I’m not even hungry anyway. 

Sometimes I still can’t believe that you actually won’t come back to me anymore. It feels a bit like the old days, when we didn’t always have time to see each other outside of races. But then there’s always this heavy feeling in my chest to bring me back to the reality I live in. The feeling that reminds me I should have cherished our time together more than I did.

I never knew a person could bear so much pain, but I’m still here, still surviving, so I guess it’s possible. Although, on most days, I don’t feel so much alive. It’s weird how you went from being the person who made me feel like I was reborn to the person who makes me wish I could have a break from existing sometimes. 

You know how much I would do to bring you back? The answer is probably everything that lies within my ability. I would probably work myself to death if it meant I could see you at least one last time. And that’s the most frustrating part: no matter how much I wish I could change the course of fate, no matter how much I wish it was me driving that car and crashing off that bridge, instead of you, it won’t become reality. 

Some nights I go outside, hoping for a shooting star to wish for you to rest peacefully, not to worry about me too much. But every time, as the night progresses and the feelings start to overwhelm me, I’m starting to wish more and more for your return. 

There’s those days when I’m drowning and I’m too numb to lift my head and look at the world around me and then there’s days when I’m trying to move on. I hope you’re proud of me for trying to move on. To say it’s not easy is probably the biggest understatement I’ve ever used. Everything is so much harder when you’re not by my side to support me, to give me a literal shoulder to rest on (you know how much I loved doing that) or to ground me when I look into your calm eyes.

Regrettably, no matter how much I’m trying to move on, I still haven’t been able to get back into a racing car, knowing that’s where you spend your last moments. Pathetic, isn’t it, a world champion unable to get back into his car? You would probably disagree with me, tell me I’m trying to be stronger than I have to be. And maybe you’re right.

You’re probably wondering why I’m sending you this letter. As I’ve told you before when you were still here, I’m a hopeless romantic and I can’t help wanting to convey my feelings to you. Sending you a letter sounded pretty romantic in my head. You’re probably going to laugh at me for being ridiculous, but I don’t care, I want you to know exactly how I’m feeling.

Let’s start with saying that you’ve probably made me the happiest I’ve ever been. If you were here, you would probably try to convince me that it wasn’t all because of you, that I’ve won the championship and all that. But you know that I would never have been able to win that without you either. You have been my anchor throughout the whole year.

I’m so grateful to have had you in my life. If I had the chance to do it all over, the only thing I would’ve changed is the way I showed you my feelings. I should have told you more often how happy you made me. How every moment I spent with you was like a gift sent from heaven above. How I didn’t want to be apart from you ever again.

Yes, I’m a hopeless romantic, but also one who thinks that everything he tries to say might not be good enough for you. You were my soulmate, the love of my life, but I never told you that. There’s nothing more I ever wanted than to marry you one day. It turned out that fate isn’t kind enough to grand everyone their happy ever after.

André, I love you. I still love you so much and I will always keep loving you. Please wait for me up there. I will come, but let me first try to make you even more proud of me back here on earth. Please be patient, I too can’t wait till the moment I will be able to see you again. 

At last, I hope you had a happy life and you are happy looking down on me now, surrounded by your loved ones. For now, I think this is goodbye till the lines of our existences will cross once again.

With love, sadness, regret, hope, and more love,

 

Your dearest Jean-Éric, your Jev

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave some feedback! I don't write that often anymore so I would love to hear what you thought of this.
> 
> Also find me on tumblr @vrstappen


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